A hole in my heart.

O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? Great is hatred in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do. Surah as-Saf ayat 2-3

Astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullahalazim. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart, right after a good friend of mine sent an image containing these:

Aku membuka mataku, dan menyedari suatu hakikat, 

aku belum di SyurgaNya lagi, maka kerjaku belum selesai.

The picture in my head, of myself swimming in the river of Paradise disappeared right away. Astaghfirullahalazim. I am still alive. There’s still a lot of things to think about, to reciprocate, to comprehend, to fight… till the end of time. Just now in the car, another very good friend reminded me not to be like Mrs Ghib, even though I was just describing the figure or the look of someone we wanted to know. SubhanAllah, the benefit of having a good company is really a good cure for an inflated heart. It’s like a needle, POP the heart goes, to realise how Allah will test me with whatever knowledge I have gained. Just a few days ago I shared about Ghibah (back-biting), and right away Allah tested me if I am worthy of not falling into the very thing I was writing about. Alhamdulillah. Ya Allah, indeed, you are the Most Merciful and indeed, I was among the people who didn’t thank You as much as You have given me. And indeed, it benefits me much, writing in this blog, for everything that I shared, Allah tested me, whether I am just simply a writer or a doer. And BAM the ayat above knocked on my door, reminding me that great is hatred in the sight of Allah if I say what I do not do, or I do not do whatever I say. *sad face, many sad faces* I mean, how many of us can really swallow our pride, when someone very close directly give you an advice or a reminder not to do what you’ve already known about in the first place? Until we are placed in that situation, it’s sometimes very hard to not feel hurt by a simple teguran from another person, and it’s really hard to change the mindset to lower down our ego. This is where we are tested, well I am tested, whether I have changed my mindset to not be selfish with my own feelings. YES, indeed, being hurt, hurts big time, but this feeling, once we see the bigger picture (by putting on the glasses to see the bigger picture) isn’t so bad at all. It takes some simple steps back to Allah, to really sacrifice our own pain and ego to swallow everything and leave what Allah does not approve of. If mardhatillah (redha Allah) is what we are chasing for, there shouldn’t be any excuses to try to sacrifice our own needs, wants and desires. The “For You I will” should be hammered in our heart, if we ever want Allah to be our ultimate destination. Yes.

This deflated heart, has a hole now, because the needle was sharp yet, the tear caused by the needle is huge. And for that, this heart, feels like whatever fill I am putting in, it drains out so quickly. All I need is a plaster of Paris, cover the hole even if it’s just a few minutes. But, life… isn’t about quick-fixing it with some plaster of Paris or band-aids. Band-aids do not work well. Quick-fixes never work well. I need to love once again. To love… Allah…

I guess, we all need to step back, and listen to our ever-changing, ever-so-unstable heart, if we ever miss Allah that much or this much. If our love for Allah is high or low. If our purpose is still Allah, or not. If our life is dedicated for Allah, or for dunya. If dunya has entered our heart and has made a home in it, or the gate protecting our house for Allah is still standing tall. We need that introspection. We need to reflect upon what our heart is fighting against. We need to go back… go back to Him every time we run too far away from Him.

Ya Allah… If my heart is ever so swollen again, send an army of needles to deflate it, before pus develops and ruins it all. Ya Allah… patch this hole in my heart with Your Love, and approve me to be among those who You Love… and who love you… fully, truly, madly, deeply…

Allahumma ameen.

To pain, it’s just a second.

It will be, on the Day they see it, as though they had not remained [in the world] except for an afternoon or a morning thereof. Surah an-Naziat ayat 46.

No matter how painful, no matter how hard, no matter how exhausting, always remember, life is but a second. And that second is nothing if we keep fretting only about pain. We should change our mindset, so we wouldn’t complain too much on how aching the heart is when someone else is giving injustice to your feelings. We should change our mindset, so we would be able to sacrifice our own feelings for the sake of Allah, for this Path that we walk on. Remember that this Path that He Guides us on, isn’t filled with flowers and comfort (though there are indeed flowers and comfort, because of His Mercy). We shouldn’t at all enjoy being comfortable here in Dunya that much. No. Just a piece of assurance and security from Allah, that’s all we need. As for the pampering of our heart, I don’t think we can enjoy that much of worldly pleasures here, yet. I remember those days, when I cry too much for nothing but pain and how intolerant and cruel people are to my feelings. It felt like big rocks being placed on my head, ready to crack or explode. But those are temporary. So temporary, that it could’ve passed me by just like the wind. It did, pass me by just like the wind, as soon as I realised that life is but a second.

Yes, all smiles, all laughs. How can we trade those with all cries because of us being too pampering to our heart? Toughen it up sis. Toughen it up. I’m not saying that we have to have an iron heart (not even wanting to be near those cold people with no feelings), but what I was trying to say is that, we should learn how to polish our sincerity – keikhlasan. Hati yang ikhlas tidak akan terkesan dengan pujian mahupun celaan. Again, it all goes back to our heart. How salim (clean, good) our heart is. For me, Allah gives me drama with people to toughen up my heart, so I could learn to not be too selfish with my feelings. Yes, I was always sensitive, hurt, whenever someone says or does something that hurts, but sampai bila I, myself am planning to pamper my heart like this? Sampai bila the expectations I keep for people to at least take care of my heart, when Allah is the Owner of my heart? Astaghfirullahalazim. How dependent we can be with manusia, up to the point where we expect them to just treat us right and never hurt our feelings. Astaghfirullahalazim, there’s so much hikmah Allah stored from a misunderstanding with good friends, from frictions exploded in a meeting, from just about anything, and to see it now in a positive way, Allah is just being the Most Merciful and the Most Knowledgeable for placing us in difficult situations. I understand now. This is the thorn Allah warns us about. 

“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,”When is the help of Allah ?” Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.” Surah al-Baqarah ayat 214

Poverty and hardship. Kita? Our battlefield is battlefield perasaan. Yang kita mujahadahkan adalah nafsu dan perasaan. Them? Sampai they said, when is the help of Allah. Kita? Sampai macam tu sekali kah kesakitan yang melanda. Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near, and unquestionably too, I should not belittle our pain itself. Though it’s different, it’s still painful anyways. But think about this, get over it. Compare our pain with those who suffer from a greater pain. And stop being too selfish with our own pain. It’s totally uncool if we bruise easily, it’s totally uncool if we expect too much from other people to not cause that bruise. It’s just a matter of putting down your own ego to just apologize and clear the muddy water again between you and people. Sometimes, they don’t even realise that you’re hurt because of what they did, so, if you keep on expecting them to apologize to you (while keeping your distant from them, refraining your once-sweet smiles to them) while they don’t even know that you are expecting, then until when are you going to keep that grudge inside? 

The only place we should feel comfortable in is Sorga, and that’s the only place where we deserve maximum pampering of the heart. Right now, right here, mafi musykillah should fill our mind, and lots of alhamdulillah, to those difficulties, pain, hardship given as a blessing from Allah to teach us to be strong. Yes, lots and lots of alhamdulillah. Lots of “oh well no problem I forgive you and I” and lots of “jangan manja, jangan manja, jangan manja” to iron-ify our heart (bulletproof, nothing to lose, again, not cold, just strong). Yes. 

Again, this is a reminder for myself, myself, myself first and foremost, may Allah ease our affairs, and toughen our heart to endure as much pain so we are worthy to be rewarded His Paradise and drink the drinks He’ll give later on. Life is but a second, so make it a second filled with obedience.

Allahua’lam. Allah… thank you…