Endless Ni’mah

Alhamdulillah for the blessing of having a functioning laptop after three weeks of living without one. It’s not to say that my dependency has shifted to laptop and its likes, but to be able to blog, one needs more than just a phone to do so. I believe that my dependency is solely for Allah alone, and I should well exercise and refresh every now and then that the core belief that I should plant firmly in my heart is that I should never associate anything with Allah. That’s tawheed I tell you.

I have yet to find back the bubbly writer I once lost ever since I read sad, melancholic posts depicting depression and heartbreaks. I admit, books and articles influence me in a huge way. I often get sucked in them pretty much every time I finish reading them. I can even get myself carried away after reading a Biology textbook even, even though they sound rather stiff most of the time. One time, I was reading a book by Robert Cormier “I am the Cheese”, and as soon as I finished, I got myself to think that I might be just as crazy and what I am going through everyday is just merely happening in my head. Two days of doubts and confusion. Alhamdulillah, the next book I read brought me back to reality (Speed reading by Tina Konstant). So for the past few weeks, my books are rather gloomy and homicidal, whatever that means.

Anywho, goodbye dear hiatus for now. Hopefully I can contribute some good in my writings, or maybe finally get back the writing mojo while contributing some good in the writings. Oh hey redundancy, welcome back. Okay, talking to myself now. The aftermath of spending most of my time alone, with only books to listen to, is that, no one listens to my thoughts but me. So sad but true, for me there’s only you, been crying since the day, the day you went away, hey, heyyy, whoa whoa yeah hey hey, whoaa. 

Alright.

Welcome back laptop. *shake cords*

The real defeat

Tidak ada sesuatu yang paling disesali oleh para penghuni surga kecuali atas satu saat yang pernah mereka lewati di dunia yang tidak mereka gunakan untuk mengingat Allah didalamnya. 

HR. Thabrani

Another year. Another Syawal. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, for the uncountable ni’mat You have showered us with. The morning of  first Syawal this year, my eyes were fixed on the local TV show, while reading the marquee that says 17 Palestinians killed just today (even during Syawal, yes, they don’t care much), and that the number has increased to 1031 and counting. At least they remember Allah every second of their lives. They pray for Allah’s help and protection, and they have peace in their hearts despite the frightening sounds of explosion, guns and demolition of their houses. We don’t have that kind of peace and assurance while listening to fireworks them kids (and adults who don’t seem to know how to spend their excess money anymore) play during the day and at night till dawn back to dusk. Of course we don’t.

Last night was the worst. They were blasting off the whole kampong till Subuh. Unbelievable eh? Believe it. It was indeed… horrifying to have imagined being hit by a bomb or a missile, anything that comes from a tank, while listening to them fireworks. I guess, the opening of the fireworks shop just nearby seem to have caught everyone’s attention to make sure that Syawal this year is filled with turun-temurun tradition supaya lebih meriah lagi. =( So much often, with increasing age, we don’t feel the joy of Syawal anymore. And we try so hard to maintain the convoying habit, the duit raya thing, the neons and lights all wrapped around the house, the meriam buluh slash roket terbang sampai meletup kena muka boleh hilang kepala sekali thing, and the series of open and closed houses here and there. It’s not that I dislike it – I pretty much miss those moments where we get to meet our families and friends with so much harmony. We get to see those whom we haven’t seen for ages and fix broken bonds. We get to meet new people, and reconnect with disconnected friends from the past (insyaAllah).

But things are different now. Differently similar. Of course pertandingan baju siapa paling chantek is still on, rumah siapa paling mewah masih on, even family siapa paling berjaya di dunia masih hangat diperkatakan.

It’s just that, it seems different for me, and for those who have undergone penghijrahan hati that is. It’s all about missing Ramadan and trying to enter Syawal with this nervous feeling that we might fall short of our amalans we did during Ramadan. It’s all about  putting as much hope to Allah that He would accept our amalans during Ramadan onwards. And it’s also about regretting the fact that maybe we missed lailatul Qadr yet again. It’s about trying be in the same place as those who suffered from the tyranny of the people of Taghut.

It’s about… returning back to Him…

It’s about not losing hope, that one day, and that day will surely come; we could meet Him with a smile on our faces. And when that day comes, surely para-para syuhada yang bersinar wajahnya akan menjadi seperti bintang-bintang yang dirindukan. Surely, they wouldn’t have to suffer being killed during iftaar and during kunjung-mengunjung di rumah saudara dan sahabat hadai. They wouldn’t have to be bombed on their way to their nenek’s house (and their neneks are still alive). And we… don’t have to swallow our tongue and eat our hearts, for not being able to step out of our ignorance (while singing our hearts out with those celebrities on TV; raya songs sing-along).

When that day comes… akhirnya Islam cemerlang seluruh dunia…

And that, my dear readers, is a true victory for us, and harmony for all. For us all. All. The entire human race.

Allahumma ameen.

Eid mubarak, minal aidil wal faizin… May Allah accept our prayers and make us among the people of taqwa, and ease our affairs to goodness and only goodness in this world and in the Hereafter. Allahumma ameen…

Foams, and more.

He sends down from the sky, rain, and valleys flow according to their capacity, and the torrent carries a rising foam. And from that [ore] which they heat in the fire, desiring adornments and utensils, is a foam like it. Thus Allah presents [the example of] truth and falsehood. As for the foam, it vanishes, [being] cast off; but as for that which benefits the people, it remains on the earth. Thus does Allah present examples. Surah ar-Ra’d ayat 17.

Again and again, Allah reminds me of how I can become one of those useless ocean foams if ever my intention is not for the sake of pleasing Allah. It hurts, when you realise that whatever fatigue you are suffering from doing too much (you think) work, if it’s not meant for pleasing Allah, it’s a waste. And all those time you’ve spent with the initial intention to do your best in His Path, when in the middle of being swarmed with lots of work the intention changed, then those time is nothing but debu yang berterbangan. I cry like this. I cry many many.

Imagine how on the Day itself, you are on your knees in front of Allah waiting for your book to be handed, and you nervously wait and hope that your book lands safely on your right hand. And BAM! suddenly your book is thrown to your back, it hurts so bad. Our trembling seems to multiply a hundred times, that we know, it’s really bad news, the worst ever. To be dragged closer to the Hell-fire, and that nothing could help us any longer, because of our ever so stubborn head when we were in dunya. At that time, we scream and beg and scream some more, not to be thrown into the place only He Knows how terrible. And to think, while being dragged face-down that this is it, our permanent home – our doom. Wal-yaudzubillah.

And Allah already reminded how we are like those foams, useless, tidak memberi apa-apa benefit langsung. Why? Because all our efforts seem to be intended for dunya, not for the sake of pleasing Allah. And that we become so motivated to get dunya that we forget about getting closer to Allah. We get so preoccupied with this world that we forget completely that there is another life to take care of after we die.

Astaghfirullahalazim. Today, I feel like a princess, and I think this princess needs to realise that she has a huge responsibility to handle – herself. And I guess being a princess means that I need to train myself not to be the clichéd Disney princesses who live in the castle and give out kindness and love for charity and loved by their prince, singing in the garden, lovey dovey, all they care about is “making a change”. Right. To make a change is to start realising that pretty dresses need to follow 24:31 (hehe, don’t get me wrong, but yeah), and talking to men and living in their home for a sleepover in the forest is way too dangerous to start with. Okkayy, moving on. A real princess is a lion, a warrior. Someone who really takes charge of the nafs and change to be a better slave to Allah. After all, our purpose of life is to submit to Allah and to be a khalifah. And a princess should act like a khalifah. How? Pendidikan Rabbaniyah. What’s that? It’s gaining knowledge for the sake of Allah, from Allah, back to Allah. How? We direct our intention over and over again to seek the pleasure of Allah. Nothing else. And to do everything the best we can. And that, is what I am still struggling with. Getting there insyaAllah. Need a lot of sacrifice and discipline. InsyaAllah.

May Allah protect us from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miseliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men (and women). May Allah keep our hearts firm in His Path and in obeying Him. Allahumma ameen.

HIMNAE! SEMANGAT HUFF-HUFF! ❤

Pray for the passengers of MH 370, all on board. Allah is the All-Knowing. We can only pray for them.

P/S: Lemonified week it is. #keepprayingforMH370 #anxiouslywaiting

Finding You.

I remember the time when I felt so lost and my solat seemed to feel so empty, while my heart screamed for help. My Hijrah moment did not start from a camp (though I participated in that camp, only to find my heart broke for not being able to cry with the rest who have found their way closer to Allah), I don’t quite remember when my heart started to beat again after so many years of performing solat and covering the head. To me, it’s a blessing that Allah has placed me so close to the teachings of Islam, enough for me to ponder upon why I did not feel sufficed with just the religious textbooks from Ugama school. It’s a blessing that Allah gerakkan hati my mother to teach me how to recite the Qur’an and perform the daily prayers five times a day since I was a small kid. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, it was such a blessing to have been exposed to the basic ibadah yang fardhu. However, what is more basic than to know what Islam… really is, in the first place?

I thought, if I pray five times a day that should be sufficient. If I recite one juzu’ per day, that should be sufficient. But I could feel nothing in this heart. Khusyu’ has never stopped by during solat, all I could think about was assignments, work, dunya, dunya and dunya. It was tormenting. To have felt nothing, even when I tried chasing after lailatul qadr every Ramadhan (by going out of the house at 3 am in the morning, just to wait for that night to come and grant me khusyu’ in my prayers, and that my friend, was a huge misconception about waking up for qiyam during Ramadhan), I couldn’t feel a thing. Many duas I said during every rainy day, asking Allah to grant me khusyu’, just a little bit of sweetness of imaan (though I did not really make an effort to try to know Allah that well, yet).

Allah sent me different circles of friends, as a blessing, a test in disguise, to show me how life is not lived once. You only live once (YOLO) isn’t valid anymore. It did not feel right. But I had my fill. My share of trying to fill the emptiness of this heart by going hiking, jungle-trekking, enjoying sappy Korean movies (and trying to be one as well), hanging out with friends for a cup of tea and some more movies. I had those kind of fill. Yes, I did not leave my daily prayers. They are indeed my must-do routine. Without that routine, it would feel weird not doing them. But my heart… felt hard. After every fill, I often go to bed feeling empty, attached to what I was not supposed to attach to. It wasn’t Allah in my mind, before I die temporarily in my sleep.

Years went by. Losing a brother was unbearable too. To have stood there, not knowing how to swim, looking at him disappear into the cold, cold sea for the last time was not at all a good memory. But I knew that there’s a reason behind all that which Allah has sent to me, as a blessing, as a test. As a sign, that I need to return… As I sat down to attend this very interesting talk in my university, a sister told me that I need to open my heart and see things with my heart, as in mata hati. I was amazed by how sincere that sounded to my ears, and how my heart shrieked for the same thing, an opening. An opening to the world through kacamata Iman. Kacamata Islam. I rebelled silently and screamed in my head, “I. WANT. TO. FEEL. PEACE!” And I seriously needed to have that same ketenangan felt by that sister. And I started my quest to find Him, immersing myself in books, articles, Youtube videos, and indeed it was a fulfilling journey to embark on.

Sitting with friends who were also searching for Allah wasn’t very much appealing to me at first, because I could never understand the reason why it was called taman sorga. I thought that taman sorga can only be found in sorga itself, not anywhere in this world. Until I stumbled upon another book of hadith, and I am truly grateful that Allah has never stopped giving me these precious ni’mat (blessings) and He laid out a path filled with anything that led me back to the right path. Allah… Ever So Merciful. Talking with friends and listening to them talk about Allah, and only Allah, is a true soul food. One of. Though I often feel scared to tell my mom that I wanted to sit with them every single day, I dearly miss being with the same group of people who has the same goal as I am, to find Him.

And as I grew… and made little steps towards Allah… a drop or two… just a drop or two… tears ran down my cheeks during one tahajjud. And that is all I needed. And since then, that feeling I longed for, and I made that decision to try not to miss sitting with beautiful friends to talk about how Merciful Allah is to His slaves. And to crush this huge ego I had (being a Miss Know-It-All, and having all sorts of penyakit hati = akhlaq yang tak berapa nak lembut), it was indeed a constant struggle. I longed for khusyu’ in my solat, and I want to talk to Him every now and then…

And I guess… little efforts count… because… Allah… is always close, closer than the veins in our neck. Though I am still struggling… at least I know I am walking… still am…

Allah’s Messenger said that Allah said: He who comes with a good deed, its reward will be ten like that or even more. And he who comes with vice, his reward will be only one like that, or I can forgive him. He who draws close to Me a hand’s span, I will draw close to him an arm’s length. And whoever draws near Me an arm’s length, I will draw near him a fathom’s length. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running. And whoever faces Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, I will meet him with forgiveness nearly as great as that, provided he does not worship something with me. (This Hadith is sound and reported by Muslim, Ibn Majah and Ahmad in his Musnad). Another prophetic tradition says: (He who met Allah associating anything with Him, will enter Hell) (Muslim)

And yes, I am still learning, finding my way towards Him. I am no better than anyone else, I was also once on the verge of Fire. But I do believe that, Allah… is the Most Forgiving. And that Allah… is our destination.

Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”

And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped.

Surah az-Zumar ayat 53-54.

May Allah make our heart firm in His Deen and in obeying Him… Allahumma ameen. And we all, are… crawling, walking, running towards Him, aren’t we?

So don’t give up!

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided. Surah al-Baqarah ayat 186.

Now I can feel the aura of going back to school spirit in the university. Yes, it’s the first day of a new semester. Although some cry cry in their social network status updates dreading about today, mostly posted up some Mata BERAPI status updates ready to face new challenges ahead. Though the second level of the library is quite empty today, it’s okay! At least the first level is filled with hard-working people!

Allah is indeed, amazing. The Most Amazing. Why? Because He offers solace, and comfort to the broken-hearted. HE responds to our call, ONLY IF we call Him. Only if we ask Allah for help. And only if we are obedient to Him and be among the rightly guided. To relate it to today’s awesome wind of high spirit and motivational clouds, I’d say He surely offers to lift us up to NEVER GIVE UP in excelling our uni life by simple words of assurance that “Indeed I am near”. He, who responds to our call for help assures us that He is near, and always available. Imagine how hard it is to find a friend who has to respond to our pressing needs every minute, every second of our lives. I don’t think we can be that good of a friend who can take care of our significant other’s matters dua puluh empat tujuh juga kan? Ehek. But Allah… Allah is always with each and every one of seven thousand and forty six billion (7046 Billion! as of 2012) people in this world. Not including kerajaan Jin dan juga animals on EARTH! And Allah never fails to take care of all of our feelings and needs, even when we sometimes forget to take care of Allah. *upside down smiley*

But takpe! Allah is the Most Merciful remember?

And of the people is he who sells himself, seeking means to the approval of Allah . And Allah is kind to [His] servants. Surah al-Baqarah ayat 207.

If we work hard to be the best of the best in this dunya for the sake of attaining His approval, surely, we will finally see Him one day in Akhirah kan? Surely, He will serve us His most delicious, no words can explain, drinks, and that is of the highest level already. So Allah loves those who never give up and always strive to be better each day. If you happen to miss out the date with Him last night, regret it now and reflect on why you missed out tahajjud. Maybe there are some bad things during the day that you have done, that you haven’t repented yet. Always bersihkan hati dengan istighfar, and reflect, muhasabah, ponder, do some introspection on what you have done that didn’t quite win Allah’s approval that cause you to miss the date with Him last night. Don’t ever give up! Don’t be in the slum for too long. Don’t smile upside down for too long. GET UP, and try harder. Try again! ❤ Allah will surely help! (if we help ourselves to ask for His help).

SO YES! Lift up the spirit and ROAR like a lion! =) Never fail to STRIVE!! And yes, jangan manja! =) Orang manja tak akan dapat apa-apa. Remember, orang manja lama-lama akan jadi mangga yang jatuh terjelepuk ke tanah menunggu untuk di kutip oleh either manusia atau monyet. Atau jadi buruk begitu saja. Kalau sesat ditengah jalan, ask Allah, and right now before tersesat di tengah, keep Allah close to us, so nanti kalau tersesat taklah susah sangat nak kejar Allah. =)

Ya Allah, make our hearts firm in obeying You, and make us among the people who love You to the fullest. Allahumma ameen! May Allah ease our affairs today and the rest of our perjuangan days! ❤ Allahumma ameen!

Seek first to understand then to be understood.

And We have certainly created for Hell many of the jinn and mankind. They have hearts with which they do not understand, they have eyes with which they do not see, and they have ears with which they do not hear. Those are like livestock; rather, they are more astray. It is they who are the heedless. Surah al-A’raf ayat 179.

As I browse through some of the self-help books that I have once invested in, a long, long time ago, alhamdulillah, I found this book:

I don’t have to make everything all better by Gary and Joy Lundberg.

True enough, we often fall into the heroic state of saving whoever we can save from sadness and misery, and too often it’s by asking the one we’re rescuing to look at a different perspective (usually, OUR perspective). We always tend to ask the person to hear our so-called solutions to her/his problems, and we often shut the person off from ever confiding in herself/himself that they can actually figure out the solutions themselves (by Allah’s Will, of course). This book introduced the power of validation. How we don’t have to make everything all better by giving advice at the wrong time, but by seeking first to understand, rather than having the person to understand what we’re trying to sell. “The principal is based on the personal understanding that I am acceptable just the way I am, and you are acceptable the way you are.” (Lundberg & Lundberg, 1995)

Allah said, that we are no better than a livestock, if we never really use our ears to really listen to anything that make us and other people closer to Him; if we never really use our eyes to see what He wants us to see; if we never really use our heart to understand what He wants us to understand. The art of communication with those who have problems with their hearts, can actually be related to this ayat. It’s beneficial, to know, that to even have someone pour his/her heart out to us is extremely rare, if we never really get to use our eyes, ears, and heart well.

You think, if you could ignore your own pain and go with it, others could deal with it like you too? No way! (again, I’m talking to myself here) I seriously need to enhance my validating skills. Seriously need to refresh my intention, like seriously, is it really for Allah or for other than Allah? Astaghfirullah. We tend to think mostly of ourselves, by the way, when someone gets to curhat to us, and we cut them off by offering some solutions (or dismissing the person’s comment, critics, confession by saying, “Wait ’till you are in my shoes!”) How selfish can we become? How egotistical can we be? What is the point of someone coming to you, opening up to you and not someone else, when you know it’s just for you to listen and validate the person’s feelings? If not, at least a hug or a cry-together session, and getting-up-together moment, and have a good laugh and alhamdulillah stuff?

How hard is it to just lower down our ego, by just, sitting down with them… to just… listen? And we always go, “Yeah, I was in that situation too. I got over it as soon as I realised that I need to perfect my solat.” It’s not wrong to say that, but what if they are in the middle of, “It’s really burdening me, how I can’t reach khusyu’ in my solat and -” and you cut them off. Let them finish. Let them be the one asking you, “So how to deal with this, please give me some perspective.” It itches though, if the person just wants to tell you the unbearable pain the person is holding within, but wouldn’t it feel better for them to feel better first after pouring it all out to someone who listens so well? It might be that they do know the solutions already, they need someone to tell them that their feelings too, matter.

SO yes. I think this book deserves to be read again, by me, and yes I am oogling through the pages, reading between the lines now. InsyaAllah. A good book by the way, come come, kak senah promo ni. Tak lah kak senah jual, kawan kak senah yang kat book store tu yang jual, you know, kedai Timur Terbaik tuu lah, kalau takde, beli kat e-teluk ke, kat mana-mana le. Okay. Yes. Bah. Bittaufiq wannajah. Membaca itu adalah sumber ilmu.

Ya Allah, increase our knowledge and make us among the people of taqwa. Allahumma ameen.

A Breather.

“Manusia diciptakan bersifat tergesa-gesa. Kelak Aku akan Perlihatkan kepadamu tanda-tanda kekuasaanku. Maka janganlah kamu meminta Aku menyegerakannya.” Surah al-Anbiya’ ayat 37.

When it feels too fast and too demanding. When our adrenaline rushes continuously even when we want to sit down and think. It’s such a blessing to have the extraordinary spirit to just do it. But sometimes, it tends to get out of hand, and it feels too fast… too demanding. And we become impatient. Because the people around us become too slow. The people around us become too inefficient. And we become such a monster, trying to pull them up the stairway of success with force, ignoring the scratches and bruises they get on their way up. Is life, all about who reaches the highest peak the fastest? It is indeed, going to be a lonely climb up the mountain of success, when those we pull so aggressively and cold-heartedly, stumble upon a small pebble and fall down (and die) so easily. Why? Because we are just – too – impatient.

Sometimes I feel like I am still living in 2013. I feel like I haven’t quite realised that this is already the 2nd of January. Today, is already, the 2nd of January. SubhanAllah! It’s ALREADY THE 2nd OF JANUARY! Unbelievable. And waking up to “Bangun! Jangan biarkan selimut dunia menidurkanmu! Wake up!” pumps up more adrenaline and suddenly it’s time to go to bed again. IT IS INDEED A BLESSING! Alhamdulillah!

However. I. Need. A. Breather. Don’t we all? (Why am I feeling that this post is slowly turning into a confession?)

STOP! Astaghfirullahalazim. BREATHE. Breathe. Breathe.

“Bersemangatlah dalam hal yang bermanfaat bagimu, dan mintalah pertolongan kepada Allah, serta janganlah lemah.” HR Muslim.

Sedar tak sedar, memang Allah sentiasa bagi breather pun. Hanya manusia seperti saya, awak, dan kita semua, yang kekadang tak leh nak notice benda tu semua. We lose our empathetic ability once we feel as if we are closer to success, and we become impatient to reach it sampai-sampai orang kat sekeliling rasa kita telah berubah menjadi aneh, dan pushy. And our semangat yang berkobar-kobar macam nak runtuhkan bangunan Pisa terlalu membara, sampai orang fikir kita terlalu provocative, terlalu bersemangat. But those are all our doing. When things go slightly out of hand, it’s not Allah’s doing but ours. Semua yang baik tu datang dari Allah, dan yang kurang baik tu berpunca dari our greed and sifat tergesa-gesa kita kan? When we focus more on our success, we tend to belittle other people’s pace of achieving success that we become heartless.

But, that’s just my opinion. It’s not wrong to have that spirit, tapi biarlah that semangat, memberikan orang lain semangat to do the same! Again, this is a tamparan for myself first and foremost. To not forget to polish good akhlaq as I go around giving fuel and some matches to fire up spirits. All these while, I feel as if I am burning some skin instead of giving them the materials to burn (in a good way) on their own. I know, scars don’t heal in a short period of time. And I know too, that to touch hearts, hammer and nails do not work. Cotton candy and chocolate fondue will do. And a smile. And a hug. With happy tears. Okay. Bah. Moving on.

So be patient. Work on each level with extra care and attention. Stairs are not meant to accept people accidentally rolling down to the bottom and blood should never be shed on the way up, and down. Oh and, hearts… should be tougher (not colder), and we should never forget to smile if pain attacks and say Alhamdulillah! Right. Okay. Mm-hmm.

“Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.” Surah ar-Ra’d ayat 11. 

To Allah, with love.

So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny Me. Surah al-Baqarah ayat 152

I keep on telling myself, that today is not as special as the first of Muharram, but yes, since the positive vibe from all over the world is encouraging, with all those new year’s resolution and vows to self to be better, I heavy-heartedly try to accept the oh-so-bubbly aura of 2014. Alhamdulillah, thumma alhamdulillah, time seems to be flying so fast, but it is indeed, just a portion of a second anyway. We are getting closer to death each second of our lives. And yet, for me, loving Him is still of the highest priority though really loving Him is still falling behind the starting line. Astaghfirullahalazim, for a year that has ended, yet filled with days, weeks, months of not even remembering to remember Allah. Astaghfirullahalazim, for a year that has ended, yet filled with whatnots and whatifs.

This is the time to reflect self, again and again, how sincere the heart is to please Allah. With all the books read, about how to be closer to Him, the lectures listened to, to get a glimpse of His Mercy, the beautiful friends till Jannah who never stop in becoming good mirrors to myself. The realisation that this world is downright cheap, and that if this world is not cheap, then He wouldn’t give it to those who are disobedient to Him, and that if it’s not cheap, most of us who forget about Him, will have to pay for the air we breathe in, the land we’re stepping on, the sun we’re borrowing to provide us light, even the body we are borrowing to work hard in this world. Allah… He is indeed the Most Merciful, the Most Gracious.

It’s always easy to say that we will return to Jannah one day, but if Jannah means being laidback in this Dunya, and swayed by all those mirage, then we are indeed in danger. Who says it’s easy to return to Jannah? And who says it’s hard? Jangan sampai masuk Syurga stay jadi satu mimpi di siang hari sahaja. Jannah is our goal, and a goal not written stays a dream, and a goal written not worked on, stays an empty promise. We can fill up those new 2014 organisers with 2014’s Resolution, and all the I will do this, do that, achieve this, achieve that things inside. We can go a mile making a 2014 Mission Statement, stick it on our wall, look at it every first few day of January 2014, and then… always if not often, those mission stays another paper stuck on the wall, waiting to be looked at again. To be a hero is to first have the need and want to be a hero, and the next step is to elevate self from being stuck in becoming a zero. TO BE motivated to do good, is to START doing good, and spraying (I mean, saying) it is not the same as doing it.

Allah has given us whatever we need to be the best slave, so we need to sharpen these potentials to be the best slave. We need to get out of our comfort zone, to train self to be if not loving, at least determined to love Him. This is indeed for me, for me, for me, first and foremost. Beautiful organisers aren’t beautiful any longer if it’s filled with empty promises. *sad sad face*

I’ve got to find more lemons to squeeze on these fresh wounds, so I could remember again and again that, though pain is uncomfortable, it is indeed necessary to be stronger in facing a more painful experience. It’s like the law of tolerance in immune system. If you don’t expose your child to bacteria, say a simple Staphylococcus aureus, (because you’re just too germaphobic that you keep your baby in your OCD-ed cleaned house), then that child will never get the chance to develop immunity against that bacteria so, when the child grows up and have the urge to go out (to go to school), he will indeed get sick easily. Kan? Only when we are exposed to pain, that we will learn to overcome it, so if the same pain attacks us again, we are well-prepared for it. And we need a more intense pain than the first one we had, so we could develop strength and endurance against increasing pain.

In any way, all these, will not be given to us without Allah’s will. Allah saja yang Maha Mengetahui dan Maha Bijaksana. He is the One Who knows when and how He will help us, and we are in no way superior than Him. No no. We are just His slaves. Nothing more. We should know that, comprehend that fact. We are just His slaves.

So now our job is to please Him. How? Do what He loves, leave what He hates. Then? Then strive to be His most faithful servant. And? And spread the truth, and be among the patient. So? So we could finally meet Him in Jannatul Firdaus. And? And finally be among those, who get to stay beside Him, eternally… Allahumma ameen.

Kak Senah nak ucapkan semoga umur yang kita ada awal ni, diberkahi Allah, dan kepada member-member semuo, bolilah produk kak senah selalu yo? (excuse the failed accent).

Allah, the Turner of Hearts, make our hearts firm in Your Deen and make us among the people of Taqwa. Allahumma ameen. Yes Allah, I will remember You… always…

A hole in my heart.

O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? Great is hatred in the sight of Allah that you say what you do not do. Surah as-Saf ayat 2-3

Astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullahalazim. It feels like there’s a huge hole in my heart, right after a good friend of mine sent an image containing these:

Aku membuka mataku, dan menyedari suatu hakikat, 

aku belum di SyurgaNya lagi, maka kerjaku belum selesai.

The picture in my head, of myself swimming in the river of Paradise disappeared right away. Astaghfirullahalazim. I am still alive. There’s still a lot of things to think about, to reciprocate, to comprehend, to fight… till the end of time. Just now in the car, another very good friend reminded me not to be like Mrs Ghib, even though I was just describing the figure or the look of someone we wanted to know. SubhanAllah, the benefit of having a good company is really a good cure for an inflated heart. It’s like a needle, POP the heart goes, to realise how Allah will test me with whatever knowledge I have gained. Just a few days ago I shared about Ghibah (back-biting), and right away Allah tested me if I am worthy of not falling into the very thing I was writing about. Alhamdulillah. Ya Allah, indeed, you are the Most Merciful and indeed, I was among the people who didn’t thank You as much as You have given me. And indeed, it benefits me much, writing in this blog, for everything that I shared, Allah tested me, whether I am just simply a writer or a doer. And BAM the ayat above knocked on my door, reminding me that great is hatred in the sight of Allah if I say what I do not do, or I do not do whatever I say. *sad face, many sad faces* I mean, how many of us can really swallow our pride, when someone very close directly give you an advice or a reminder not to do what you’ve already known about in the first place? Until we are placed in that situation, it’s sometimes very hard to not feel hurt by a simple teguran from another person, and it’s really hard to change the mindset to lower down our ego. This is where we are tested, well I am tested, whether I have changed my mindset to not be selfish with my own feelings. YES, indeed, being hurt, hurts big time, but this feeling, once we see the bigger picture (by putting on the glasses to see the bigger picture) isn’t so bad at all. It takes some simple steps back to Allah, to really sacrifice our own pain and ego to swallow everything and leave what Allah does not approve of. If mardhatillah (redha Allah) is what we are chasing for, there shouldn’t be any excuses to try to sacrifice our own needs, wants and desires. The “For You I will” should be hammered in our heart, if we ever want Allah to be our ultimate destination. Yes.

This deflated heart, has a hole now, because the needle was sharp yet, the tear caused by the needle is huge. And for that, this heart, feels like whatever fill I am putting in, it drains out so quickly. All I need is a plaster of Paris, cover the hole even if it’s just a few minutes. But, life… isn’t about quick-fixing it with some plaster of Paris or band-aids. Band-aids do not work well. Quick-fixes never work well. I need to love once again. To love… Allah…

I guess, we all need to step back, and listen to our ever-changing, ever-so-unstable heart, if we ever miss Allah that much or this much. If our love for Allah is high or low. If our purpose is still Allah, or not. If our life is dedicated for Allah, or for dunya. If dunya has entered our heart and has made a home in it, or the gate protecting our house for Allah is still standing tall. We need that introspection. We need to reflect upon what our heart is fighting against. We need to go back… go back to Him every time we run too far away from Him.

Ya Allah… If my heart is ever so swollen again, send an army of needles to deflate it, before pus develops and ruins it all. Ya Allah… patch this hole in my heart with Your Love, and approve me to be among those who You Love… and who love you… fully, truly, madly, deeply…

Allahumma ameen.

To pain, it’s just a second.

It will be, on the Day they see it, as though they had not remained [in the world] except for an afternoon or a morning thereof. Surah an-Naziat ayat 46.

No matter how painful, no matter how hard, no matter how exhausting, always remember, life is but a second. And that second is nothing if we keep fretting only about pain. We should change our mindset, so we wouldn’t complain too much on how aching the heart is when someone else is giving injustice to your feelings. We should change our mindset, so we would be able to sacrifice our own feelings for the sake of Allah, for this Path that we walk on. Remember that this Path that He Guides us on, isn’t filled with flowers and comfort (though there are indeed flowers and comfort, because of His Mercy). We shouldn’t at all enjoy being comfortable here in Dunya that much. No. Just a piece of assurance and security from Allah, that’s all we need. As for the pampering of our heart, I don’t think we can enjoy that much of worldly pleasures here, yet. I remember those days, when I cry too much for nothing but pain and how intolerant and cruel people are to my feelings. It felt like big rocks being placed on my head, ready to crack or explode. But those are temporary. So temporary, that it could’ve passed me by just like the wind. It did, pass me by just like the wind, as soon as I realised that life is but a second.

Yes, all smiles, all laughs. How can we trade those with all cries because of us being too pampering to our heart? Toughen it up sis. Toughen it up. I’m not saying that we have to have an iron heart (not even wanting to be near those cold people with no feelings), but what I was trying to say is that, we should learn how to polish our sincerity – keikhlasan. Hati yang ikhlas tidak akan terkesan dengan pujian mahupun celaan. Again, it all goes back to our heart. How salim (clean, good) our heart is. For me, Allah gives me drama with people to toughen up my heart, so I could learn to not be too selfish with my feelings. Yes, I was always sensitive, hurt, whenever someone says or does something that hurts, but sampai bila I, myself am planning to pamper my heart like this? Sampai bila the expectations I keep for people to at least take care of my heart, when Allah is the Owner of my heart? Astaghfirullahalazim. How dependent we can be with manusia, up to the point where we expect them to just treat us right and never hurt our feelings. Astaghfirullahalazim, there’s so much hikmah Allah stored from a misunderstanding with good friends, from frictions exploded in a meeting, from just about anything, and to see it now in a positive way, Allah is just being the Most Merciful and the Most Knowledgeable for placing us in difficult situations. I understand now. This is the thorn Allah warns us about. 

“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,”When is the help of Allah ?” Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.” Surah al-Baqarah ayat 214

Poverty and hardship. Kita? Our battlefield is battlefield perasaan. Yang kita mujahadahkan adalah nafsu dan perasaan. Them? Sampai they said, when is the help of Allah. Kita? Sampai macam tu sekali kah kesakitan yang melanda. Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near, and unquestionably too, I should not belittle our pain itself. Though it’s different, it’s still painful anyways. But think about this, get over it. Compare our pain with those who suffer from a greater pain. And stop being too selfish with our own pain. It’s totally uncool if we bruise easily, it’s totally uncool if we expect too much from other people to not cause that bruise. It’s just a matter of putting down your own ego to just apologize and clear the muddy water again between you and people. Sometimes, they don’t even realise that you’re hurt because of what they did, so, if you keep on expecting them to apologize to you (while keeping your distant from them, refraining your once-sweet smiles to them) while they don’t even know that you are expecting, then until when are you going to keep that grudge inside? 

The only place we should feel comfortable in is Sorga, and that’s the only place where we deserve maximum pampering of the heart. Right now, right here, mafi musykillah should fill our mind, and lots of alhamdulillah, to those difficulties, pain, hardship given as a blessing from Allah to teach us to be strong. Yes, lots and lots of alhamdulillah. Lots of “oh well no problem I forgive you and I” and lots of “jangan manja, jangan manja, jangan manja” to iron-ify our heart (bulletproof, nothing to lose, again, not cold, just strong). Yes. 

Again, this is a reminder for myself, myself, myself first and foremost, may Allah ease our affairs, and toughen our heart to endure as much pain so we are worthy to be rewarded His Paradise and drink the drinks He’ll give later on. Life is but a second, so make it a second filled with obedience.

Allahua’lam. Allah… thank you…