Finding You.

I remember the time when I felt so lost and my solat seemed to feel so empty, while my heart screamed for help. My Hijrah moment did not start from a camp (though I participated in that camp, only to find my heart broke for not being able to cry with the rest who have found their way closer to Allah), I don’t quite remember when my heart started to beat again after so many years of performing solat and covering the head. To me, it’s a blessing that Allah has placed me so close to the teachings of Islam, enough for me to ponder upon why I did not feel sufficed with just the religious textbooks from Ugama school. It’s a blessing that Allah gerakkan hati my mother to teach me how to recite the Qur’an and perform the daily prayers five times a day since I was a small kid. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, it was such a blessing to have been exposed to the basic ibadah yang fardhu. However, what is more basic than to know what Islam… really is, in the first place?

I thought, if I pray five times a day that should be sufficient. If I recite one juzu’ per day, that should be sufficient. But I could feel nothing in this heart. Khusyu’ has never stopped by during solat, all I could think about was assignments, work, dunya, dunya and dunya. It was tormenting. To have felt nothing, even when I tried chasing after lailatul qadr every Ramadhan (by going out of the house at 3 am in the morning, just to wait for that night to come and grant me khusyu’ in my prayers, and that my friend, was a huge misconception about waking up for qiyam during Ramadhan), I couldn’t feel a thing. Many duas I said during every rainy day, asking Allah to grant me khusyu’, just a little bit of sweetness of imaan (though I did not really make an effort to try to know Allah that well, yet).

Allah sent me different circles of friends, as a blessing, a test in disguise, to show me how life is not lived once. You only live once (YOLO) isn’t valid anymore. It did not feel right. But I had my fill. My share of trying to fill the emptiness of this heart by going hiking, jungle-trekking, enjoying sappy Korean movies (and trying to be one as well), hanging out with friends for a cup of tea and some more movies. I had those kind of fill. Yes, I did not leave my daily prayers. They are indeed my must-do routine. Without that routine, it would feel weird not doing them. But my heart… felt hard. After every fill, I often go to bed feeling empty, attached to what I was not supposed to attach to. It wasn’t Allah in my mind, before I die temporarily in my sleep.

Years went by. Losing a brother was unbearable too. To have stood there, not knowing how to swim, looking at him disappear into the cold, cold sea for the last time was not at all a good memory. But I knew that there’s a reason behind all that which Allah has sent to me, as a blessing, as a test. As a sign, that I need to return… As I sat down to attend this very interesting talk in my university, a sister told me that I need to open my heart and see things with my heart, as in mata hati. I was amazed by how sincere that sounded to my ears, and how my heart shrieked for the same thing, an opening. An opening to the world through kacamata Iman. Kacamata Islam. I rebelled silently and screamed in my head, “I. WANT. TO. FEEL. PEACE!” And I seriously needed to have that same ketenangan felt by that sister. And I started my quest to find Him, immersing myself in books, articles, Youtube videos, and indeed it was a fulfilling journey to embark on.

Sitting with friends who were also searching for Allah wasn’t very much appealing to me at first, because I could never understand the reason why it was called taman sorga. I thought that taman sorga can only be found in sorga itself, not anywhere in this world. Until I stumbled upon another book of hadith, and I am truly grateful that Allah has never stopped giving me these precious ni’mat (blessings) and He laid out a path filled with anything that led me back to the right path. Allah… Ever So Merciful. Talking with friends and listening to them talk about Allah, and only Allah, is a true soul food. One of. Though I often feel scared to tell my mom that I wanted to sit with them every single day, I dearly miss being with the same group of people who has the same goal as I am, to find Him.

And as I grew… and made little steps towards Allah… a drop or two… just a drop or two… tears ran down my cheeks during one tahajjud. And that is all I needed. And since then, that feeling I longed for, and I made that decision to try not to miss sitting with beautiful friends to talk about how Merciful Allah is to His slaves. And to crush this huge ego I had (being a Miss Know-It-All, and having all sorts of penyakit hati = akhlaq yang tak berapa nak lembut), it was indeed a constant struggle. I longed for khusyu’ in my solat, and I want to talk to Him every now and then…

And I guess… little efforts count… because… Allah… is always close, closer than the veins in our neck. Though I am still struggling… at least I know I am walking… still am…

Allah’s Messenger said that Allah said: He who comes with a good deed, its reward will be ten like that or even more. And he who comes with vice, his reward will be only one like that, or I can forgive him. He who draws close to Me a hand’s span, I will draw close to him an arm’s length. And whoever draws near Me an arm’s length, I will draw near him a fathom’s length. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running. And whoever faces Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, I will meet him with forgiveness nearly as great as that, provided he does not worship something with me. (This Hadith is sound and reported by Muslim, Ibn Majah and Ahmad in his Musnad). Another prophetic tradition says: (He who met Allah associating anything with Him, will enter Hell) (Muslim)

And yes, I am still learning, finding my way towards Him. I am no better than anyone else, I was also once on the verge of Fire. But I do believe that, Allah… is the Most Forgiving. And that Allah… is our destination.

Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”

And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped.

Surah az-Zumar ayat 53-54.

May Allah make our heart firm in His Deen and in obeying Him… Allahumma ameen. And we all, are… crawling, walking, running towards Him, aren’t we?